FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut the hell up. Never use "fine" to describe how another woman looks - this will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.


FIVE MINUTES

This is at least a half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash as she requested twenty-five minutes ago, so it's an even trade. Feel free to discuss this with her but first consider "Loud Sigh."



NOTHING

This means "something," and you should really be on your game. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to reach up your ass and turn you inside out, flip you upside down and tie your guts in a knot. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."



GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is an obvious dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."



GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up," or "Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow-Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine." Then she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.



LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often completely misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are the worst kind of idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."



SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move, breathe, or change your facial expression for the rest of the day and she will stay content.



THAT'S OKAY

This is truly one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can ever make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long, hard, and slowly before paying you back for whatever bone headed maneuver that she believes you've pulled. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised eyebrow." "That's Okay" automatically invokes a woman's right to utilize the old Russian proverb that revenge is a dish best served cold.



GO AHEAD

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some big freaking trouble pal. You might want to consider changing your identity and moving to another country.



PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever damned fool thing it is that you've done. You have a slim chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."



THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say, "You're welcome."



I'M SORRY

Faint. When you recover buy her flowers. This rarely ever happens.



THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really pissed off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some severe and subtle way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong too soon after the "Loud Sigh," or she will tell you "Nothing."

[received as one of those inter-office email jokes...]